coming back to earth...

Well, I'll admit, I have been on cloud 32 for the past few days. Part of me still is way in the clouds right now. Its an indescribable feeling setting a goal for yourself and reaching it. I can rewind through each obstacle and struggle that came up for me in these 3 months and am incredibly proud of myself for not quitting.

So where am I now? Well, I wouldn't say back at square 1, but I might be close. I gave up a part of my life when I decided to compete. I gave up friends, I gave up on love, I gave up on anything outside of responsibilities for 12 straight weeks. And now that its over do I go back to having a life, having fun, exercising as a hobby and not with a set goal? I probably should, my mind definitely needs it, and I'm sure my body would thank me for a break as well.

After competing in this show I had a decision to make, go back to training, or start off season. Well, after the weekend and a week of rest I decided I'm not satisfied with just one show, and so I'm back to training again. Here we go, the week's begun and this is how its gone so far.

I created my program Saturday and Sunday, consulted with my trainer over my plans over the next 12weeks enjoyed my "last Supper" on Sunday (which hurt me quite a bit, a good 5lbs added to my post comp weight after that meal), and Monday woke up and went.

My first week of training is always rough, lots of pep talks, talking myself out of eating certain things, talking myself into eating certain things because I'll diet harder tomorrow, all kinds of talks. Workouts are especially rough. New routines, tired muscles, soreness that would usually lasts a day extending into 3 days later. Not easy at all. So I'm on day 3 today, I'm proud to say I said no to the birthday cupcakes we had in the office yesterday. Im sad to say, I had a few mini protein bars. I'm STARVING! Like I said, I'm pretty close to square 1.

So, since I still have a ways to go til my next competition and a lot less weight to lose this time, I get my "emergency snacks" back and will be heading to the grocery store soon to stock up on almonds, apples, cantelope, and jicama. Yep, those are my emergency snacks. I'll resort to chomping on ice again.

This time I won't be competing against newbies with a show or two under their belt, I'll be going against the big dogs. The nations best. Am I worried? Terrified. I feel like Im too far in this to settle, this is what I train for. It's become a part of me and I almost feel like I have no choice but to go forward. If I fall on my face, I'll get back up. I'll train harder. I'll keep trying. I don't quit.

So the journey continues. 12 weeks and 3 days til go time. Welcome to my life :)

The biggest regrets are for opportunities missed, for the things u could have done but didn't. Choose 2 deal in action rather than in regret. -Ralph Marston

PIT STOP.

Well. I made it. I did exactly what I said I would do. For a little over twelve weeks I worked, sweat, cried, pushed forward toward this goal. And I finally made it. This weekend is all a blur. Between the makeup, fake tan and rice cakes with honey, I couldn't tell Friday from today. Everything happened so fast. The week that lead up to the show I will call hell week. My mind officially shut down Thursday afternoon at 4pm as I was taking my final exam. Half of it must've still been working because I aced it. What was left to do? Another hour of cardio, then rest rest rest and pack for Friday.

Saturday morning, no sleep really, tons of nerves, hair make up done, suitcase packed ready to go. I spent alot of that morning taking deep breaths, trying to not let what was going on around me consume me. Over and over I kept thinking, you've worked so hard, do not break now. It's a hard spot to be in. I've let go of and lost a lot during this process. I lost some friends, literally had no social life, and the most excitement I had was Wednesday steak and yogurt night for the past 3 months. Although I would still be proud of how far I've come, to walk away from this empty handed would be a very hard pill to swallow. So I sat at the venue the next few hours trying ridiculously hard to stop my hands from shaking, and just calm my mind.

Finally backstage and the nerves left me. All that was left was adrenaline and so much pride. I was here. I did what I said I would do, and felt 100% ready to walk on that stage.

So, where did I end up? I wanted top 5, that was my goal. They call 5th (not me), 4th (still not me), 3rd (nope not me), 2nd Place, Contestant #83 Crystal Flores! I made it. Did I get first place? Nope, I sure didn't but I am not one bit disappointed in my placing. I went up and got everything I wanted. I reached my goal and 2nd feels so good.

So what is next for me? Well, as I said, this journey is one that doesn't end. I'll be taking a few days to rest and consider my options. I did it...

its finally here.

Wow. Hit by a whirl whind of emotions right now. My alarm still has about 2 hours to go off, but Im excited/nervous/anxious/thirsty/hungry and cant keep my eyes shut any longer. I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gotten through this journey. No part of this was easy, the endless hours of cardio, the times when I got left out of social events, watching others enjoy great large meals while I ate from a lunchbox. All for this moment I am experiencing right now. In a few hours I will be applying tan, doing my hair and makeup and heading to the venue. How do I feel?

I feel like first place.

For now, I will try and shut my eyes a little longer and visualize how I want this day to progress.

keep it together crys

Down to 2 days. Just 2..I was counting 3, but no, Thursday, Friday, Showtime. I have been on a 4 month journey towards this goal, and it is finally within hours reach. I'm trying to keep a steady head and not lose control right now. People keep asking how I'm feeling. I just want Saturday to get here. I cannot think anymore outside of what I need to do between now and Saturday, my brain is shot. 3 hours of cardio left, 1 more workout, 24 more hours of sleep (assuming I get a full 8 right now its really between 6 and 7), and there I am. All that work, all the sweat, the sacrifices, the tears (yes I've been an emotional wreck) lead up to that one day. So what happens if I don't win? Do I feel sorry for myself? Do I feel like a failure? Ofcourse not. I look in the mirror and see a completely different person looking back at me. A strong, confident, determined person who busted her behind for 16 long weeks and regardless of what placing I walk off that stage with, I am pretty darn proud with the progress I've made.

So how am I keeping control of the madness going through my mind right at this moment? Well, my room looks like a tornado ran through it. But I have lists everywhere. A list of things I must get done by Friday, a list of things I must pack, a things I need to cook list, lots and lots of lists. Some have things scratched off already, some do not. Right now, my biggest priority is a Final Exam I have tomorrow afternoon. After cardio tonight I will run through my notes again. I've been actively completing the review during class but am not retaining any information right now. Perhaps its this little event coming Saturday that has completely blocked any other thoughts from entering my brain? It's not the no carb thing because I happen to be on Day 3 of carb loading and man am I loving it. I will slowly continue to scratch things off each list until Friday when its time to leave. I was a little stressed because my suit hadn't showed, but its here now. A cute sparkly little thing. New stress? Aside from my final exam, our water will be shut off all day tomorrow due to a pipe or something. That really puts a hold on some of my cooking plans and shower plans! I'll find a way to work around this though. Trying really hard to keep it together....

down to five

Five days left. I'm currently carb depleting, but not for very long just a couple of days. Over and over things are going through my head like what needs to be packed, what still needs to be done here, dont forget about homework. I've already started to pack my small suitcase. The one that goes with me backstage. In it so far I have my make up, needle and thread, super glue, a pack of skittles, my back up suit, tan, and rice cakes. I dont know why I need the super glue, but you never know. There are still several things that will also go in this suitcase like my shoes, my suit (which still has yet to arrive), makeup, jewelery, this is good I'm blogging about this. Now I definitely wont forget!

Its 4th of July. Most Americans are celebrating America's Independence with friends, family, at bbq's, pools, beaches (where I was last year) watching fireworks. I spent mine finishing up a leg workout followed by cardio and then rushing home to make sure I got to my meal on time. Am I missing out on life? Yes. Do I regret it? Not one bit. I'll catch up with life again really soon, for now, all I see is the next 5 days...

It will all be worth it.

highs and lows

Somedays, my smile's aren't fake or forced, I'm not as sleepy, I'm motivated. Those are my highs.

Other days, I don't want one person to look at me because then I have to smile and converse, and waste energy doing so, I'm hungry, sleepy, on the verge of tears every hour. Those are the lows.

I'm not the most sensitive girl in the world, you get thick skin after every curve and crevice in your body gets pinched, measured, critiqued. Someone may tell you, you don't have what it takes, or think you still need a few more weeks to diet. My feelings don't get hurt when people think and say negative things to me or think negative things about me. That's my motivation to keep fighting. Keep working. Prove them wrong, prove to myself that I do have what it takes to do whatever it is that I want.

I have 8 more days to go, and at the rate I'm going, I'll have 5 more lows and 3 more highs ha. It's hard to stay strong 100% of the time when your body is begging you for a break, begging you for more food. The mind is one powerful thing, I'm still training mine to be stronger than my body. Its strange to say, but I think without cardio, I would have lost my mind by now. Those long runs are my chance to clear my mind, release all the stress thats building up, just go. Other times, the cardio ends up being my stress, with legs so tired they dont want to lift of the ground but I keep going.

I have a list of things I still have to do before next week.

Nails done

Hair done (its all kinds of funny colors right now, need to handle it)

My SUIT ISNT HERE YET!!!

More Posing Practice

Water Load

Water Deplete

buy my day of comp food (sodium free rice cakes which heb has been out of for 3 days)

***Im proud to say I currently have Natural Peanut Butter and Roasted Almond Butter in my fridge that has yet to be touched..and this isnt the jar kind, this is the crushed my own peanuts kind, ya kno, Whole Foods peanut crusher machine, that kind**

More Cardio

3 MOre Workouts :) YESSS

Pack

Take my Final Exam!

Oh my, school and work. They are still very much there. This weekend I will knock out some of this list, hair and nails for sure, and I'll start my study guide for my Final. Everything will fall into place. Lets just hope I get my suit soon, and pray it fits! I'm almost there.

hair help

I've been playing with different hairstyles this weekend. Presentation is key...I've already picked my favorite, but I'd like others opinions. So there are 5 diff "looks" I think they all kind of look similar. Any opinions good and bad will be greatly appreciated.