bak to basics.

8 weeks from the show of my dreams, and I've decided to take a few steps back, not completely walk away, but just stop for a moment.

NPC National Championships 2010 is not my show. I wish I could say I had it together this whole time and that I've given 100% everyday. I would be lying if I said that and so I wont. Don't get me wrong, I tried, but trying and doing are two very different actions. Life caught up with me, work caught up with me, stress caught up with me. I can keep fighting through it and training 89% for this show, or step back, catch my breath and try again when I'm ready to give 100%. Right now my mind is begging me for a break. My body is begging me for a break. And I have broken one too many times to keep going.

I have this goal, this one ultimate goal. Its what I train for, what I eat for, everyday in my mind I know what I want. But its MY goal, and I will fight for it when I'M ready and not when others think I'm ready. I'm not doing this for anybody but me, so if I know I need to stop, well, regardless of what others think, I've decided to stop.

Where do I go from here? What exactly happens when for the past 7 months I've done nothing but trained, dieted, slept, ate, breathed nothing but competition? I'm not quite sure. I actually have no idea what to do from here.

I felt like a failure today for a brief second. I'm not really quitting, I'm prolonging the process so I can come in better, stronger, leaner and reach the goal I've been dreaming about for the past 2 yrs. I'll come back. And when I do I'll be ready both physically and mentally. As for right now, well, I guess I have to figure that out now dont I?

Back to the drawing board.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

moment of realization

Okay okay. I'm usually the ambitious, self motivated, I'll prove everybody wrong type of girl. I got a little lost this time around. Placed my focus on a million things at once, and will say training got the backburner. Going from show to show with only 16 weeks in between is no fun for anybody. Because well, it took me about 14 to train for the first one, plus 16 more to prep for my next one which technically ended up being 13 because I took some time off. Either way it adds up to A LONG LONG TIME of wearing down my body and testing my mind.
Im sitting at 9 weeks away from the biggest event of my life. Well maybe not of my life, but of my competition life, its huge. I freaked myself out and turned this competition into a monster I couldn't handle and lost all of my confidence, and threw the towel in before I even made it to the stage. Through my freaking out process I learned I'm quite the emotional eater. Who would've thought? Mental breakdown=Beeline for the Pantry. Its happened on more than one occasion now, and I'd like to say I'm ashamed, but I'm just realizing I'm normal. I have to learn self-control just like everyone does (or atleast I hope others do this). Its a struggle.
So today, realizing "Oh snap I have 9 weeks!" and seeing what I see in the mirror, and on the scale I've realized, I have to put away all the negative thoughts, the freak outs, the mental breakdowns. I have no time for that. I have no time to sleep in, no time to skip cardio, no time to emotionally eat. Clock's ticking and its not working in my favor at all.
This is the moment where I take my program into overdrive and push like no other. I also think its time I put a little pause on my blog. Sharing my uphill battle was such a good feeling, but sharing the downhill slope isn't quite as easy to partake in. I won't say my blogging days are over, but for now, my mind is on one thing and one thing only....

If u want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

I want to say its been raining in my world for two weeks the least. A lot of stresses have suddenly fallen on my shoulders and keeping it together has been anything but easy. Actually, I wouldn't say I've kept it together at all. There has been a lot of fake smiling going on these days. I will try not to complain though, obstacles don't stop me, at the end of the day the same thing is always on my mind. That prize. So, I'll maintain my composure and keep pushing forward.

While I've been putting up with this "rain" I have not been able to devote near as much attention to my training or my nutrition. Unacceptable. How can I be a winner if I don't give 100%? The truth is I can't. So, I've picked myself up from the ground, and I'm ready now to keep going. This isn't my first time falling, I've proven to myself once before that I won't be defeated mentally, and so now, I'll prove it again.

So where am I? Well, Im 10 weeks out from stepping on stage. Im give or take 20lbs away from the weight I need to be in order to compete at the size I was for my last show. So, that gives me 2lbs a week to get to that goal. Yes, I know what your thinking 20lbs gained in less than a month. Technically it's not 20, but somedays it is, I dunno my body is confused. Now about this body. There are muscles this time that need extra attention and attention they will get. I refuse to be part of the 'NR' list. (I believe that means non-ranked but I'm not sure). I'm starting over. Back at square one. I believe I've had enough mental breakdowns now that I should be good to go for the next 10 weeks.

My next debut will be a good one. Prepare yourself.