update

I'm major slacking on my blog. Partially because school has taken over my life, and partially because nothing new and exciting has taken place. My 2 week break ended and I will say it went fairly well, I did not enter our weightroom not once. I caught up on any sleep I ever missed out on in 2010, and I caught up on my classes. It was kind of nice, boring but nice.

I had to explain this to my family recently, regarding my lifestyle and I'd like to share. I am a Figure Competitor. My body is my job, in a sense. I sometimes am at a crossroad because I cannot always be the fun one that goes out and indulges. A lot of times, I pass on hanging out with people, because I know food is involved. Its not always fun. At the same time. You cant quite turn on and off the competitor lifestyle, or you will end up paying for it with endless hours of cardio and hunger. I eat every 3 hrs, 2 1/2 at times, I do cardio once to twice a day, and I lift weights. Will I ever turn the switch off and live "normal?" That is normal for me. Its competitor normal.

I will confess I did let loose recently and went out, indulged, played. Where did it land me? Well, about 20lbs heavier than I was in July. Kind of scary to be honest, gaining 20 lbs in 4 months. So right now, along with damage control, I'm trying to find the happy medium. I realize I don't need to walk around with washboard abs year around, and it's a pretty high expectation for me to be honest. But I don't enjoy carrying around all this extra weight, its not fun at all.

So this blog isn't meant to be about my struggle with weight. I'll leave that as my last little tidbit regarding that issue. It started as a journey. I'm at the point in my journey where I need to find that balance everyone talks about. Balance work, school, diet and exercise, family, friends. I'm a work in progress in all aspects. The goal is to keep progressing and not lose sight of what matters.

No competitions soon, just life. Hopefully I can find something entertaining to blog about soon, because my life is a little boring right now :) Boring is nice though. I think I can handle boring. 

My Week Off.

Operation Damage Control is in full swing and I've done exactly what I said. No workouts, no calorie restrictions. Just living as normal and rested as possible. It hasn't been a 100% rest week since I teach fitness classes, but I haven't actually devoted any time at all this week to focus on my fitness. And now we are Thursday, and I FEEL AWFUL. Besides exercising for my own fitness goals, I am starting to believe I need exercise to function. I had to miss work today because of an ear ache and horrible headache I woke up with. Since Monday (Day 2 of no exercise) I've been plagued by these headaches, which usually go away, but today's headache has persisted for the past 4 hours.

Is there such a thing as exercise withdrawal? I may be going through this right now, or maybe the flu. Whatever the case, on my journey to become a well balanced, fully restored, healthy body I will continue on with this week of rest.

vacation time.

It's been quite a while since I've done this. I needed a mental break, and a break from sharing my life with everyone. It was tough, I invited everyone in on this journey of mine and then I couldn't handle the attention. I found a note in my training journal from my best friend, it reads:

"People are watching us more closely this time. Some because they want to see how far we'll go, others because they hope we'll fail."

This note was written when I still thought I was going to do Nationals...probably one of the reasons I backed out of competing. The pressures of letting people down, not placing as high as I would like. I allowed stress and self doubt defeat me on that one. I'm passed it, Nationals wasn't my show. That's been established. Cant deny that the competition is a week away, and I'm a little sad I wont be competing as I look at the date marked in my day planner, on my closet wall, in my training journal. Not all is lost, there is always next year. 

So now I'm in off-season. This is when I get to recover and restore my body with everything I deprived it from. I'm learning there is a right way and a wrong way to do this, I of course did the "wrong way off season" and so now I'm in operation damage control. How does one begin this damage control??

Well with time off from the gym. How exciting, I get to stop working out and doing cardio for 2 full weeks. Honestly, Im not thrilled about this time off, but my body will appreciate it.

Why am I blogging about this? Well, first it was my therapy while I trained for my last show and even though I have no show, well, I still have a goal and so I'll blog. Second, blogging kind of holds me accountable to stick with my training routine. If I have an audience, I'm more likely to behave. And so, here we go again. 

OPERATION DAMAGE CONTROL BEGINS. Its kind of odd its beginning with me doing absolutely nothing, but, I gotta do what I gotta do. :)

bak to basics.

8 weeks from the show of my dreams, and I've decided to take a few steps back, not completely walk away, but just stop for a moment.

NPC National Championships 2010 is not my show. I wish I could say I had it together this whole time and that I've given 100% everyday. I would be lying if I said that and so I wont. Don't get me wrong, I tried, but trying and doing are two very different actions. Life caught up with me, work caught up with me, stress caught up with me. I can keep fighting through it and training 89% for this show, or step back, catch my breath and try again when I'm ready to give 100%. Right now my mind is begging me for a break. My body is begging me for a break. And I have broken one too many times to keep going.

I have this goal, this one ultimate goal. Its what I train for, what I eat for, everyday in my mind I know what I want. But its MY goal, and I will fight for it when I'M ready and not when others think I'm ready. I'm not doing this for anybody but me, so if I know I need to stop, well, regardless of what others think, I've decided to stop.

Where do I go from here? What exactly happens when for the past 7 months I've done nothing but trained, dieted, slept, ate, breathed nothing but competition? I'm not quite sure. I actually have no idea what to do from here.

I felt like a failure today for a brief second. I'm not really quitting, I'm prolonging the process so I can come in better, stronger, leaner and reach the goal I've been dreaming about for the past 2 yrs. I'll come back. And when I do I'll be ready both physically and mentally. As for right now, well, I guess I have to figure that out now dont I?

Back to the drawing board.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

moment of realization

Okay okay. I'm usually the ambitious, self motivated, I'll prove everybody wrong type of girl. I got a little lost this time around. Placed my focus on a million things at once, and will say training got the backburner. Going from show to show with only 16 weeks in between is no fun for anybody. Because well, it took me about 14 to train for the first one, plus 16 more to prep for my next one which technically ended up being 13 because I took some time off. Either way it adds up to A LONG LONG TIME of wearing down my body and testing my mind.
Im sitting at 9 weeks away from the biggest event of my life. Well maybe not of my life, but of my competition life, its huge. I freaked myself out and turned this competition into a monster I couldn't handle and lost all of my confidence, and threw the towel in before I even made it to the stage. Through my freaking out process I learned I'm quite the emotional eater. Who would've thought? Mental breakdown=Beeline for the Pantry. Its happened on more than one occasion now, and I'd like to say I'm ashamed, but I'm just realizing I'm normal. I have to learn self-control just like everyone does (or atleast I hope others do this). Its a struggle.
So today, realizing "Oh snap I have 9 weeks!" and seeing what I see in the mirror, and on the scale I've realized, I have to put away all the negative thoughts, the freak outs, the mental breakdowns. I have no time for that. I have no time to sleep in, no time to skip cardio, no time to emotionally eat. Clock's ticking and its not working in my favor at all.
This is the moment where I take my program into overdrive and push like no other. I also think its time I put a little pause on my blog. Sharing my uphill battle was such a good feeling, but sharing the downhill slope isn't quite as easy to partake in. I won't say my blogging days are over, but for now, my mind is on one thing and one thing only....

If u want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

I want to say its been raining in my world for two weeks the least. A lot of stresses have suddenly fallen on my shoulders and keeping it together has been anything but easy. Actually, I wouldn't say I've kept it together at all. There has been a lot of fake smiling going on these days. I will try not to complain though, obstacles don't stop me, at the end of the day the same thing is always on my mind. That prize. So, I'll maintain my composure and keep pushing forward.

While I've been putting up with this "rain" I have not been able to devote near as much attention to my training or my nutrition. Unacceptable. How can I be a winner if I don't give 100%? The truth is I can't. So, I've picked myself up from the ground, and I'm ready now to keep going. This isn't my first time falling, I've proven to myself once before that I won't be defeated mentally, and so now, I'll prove it again.

So where am I? Well, Im 10 weeks out from stepping on stage. Im give or take 20lbs away from the weight I need to be in order to compete at the size I was for my last show. So, that gives me 2lbs a week to get to that goal. Yes, I know what your thinking 20lbs gained in less than a month. Technically it's not 20, but somedays it is, I dunno my body is confused. Now about this body. There are muscles this time that need extra attention and attention they will get. I refuse to be part of the 'NR' list. (I believe that means non-ranked but I'm not sure). I'm starting over. Back at square one. I believe I've had enough mental breakdowns now that I should be good to go for the next 10 weeks.

My next debut will be a good one. Prepare yourself.

think like a winner.

"If you think you can or cant, you're right" -Henry Ford


In the process of deciding what I want, I took it upon myself to gather outside opinions. I know what I want at the end of it all. I train, I work, I sweat because ultimately I have this dream I'm reaching for. Day in and day out, this dream is what drives me. As humans we thrive on support from others, and I suppose I was just being human, taking this on.

Some people are behind me 100%, say I have what it takes, want to see me succeed. Those opinions came few.

Ofcourse not everybody will believe in me, some people will think I don't have what it takes, some people say I'm in over my head. I felt like I was drowning yesterday, unsure if right now is the right time to fight for this goal.

A conversation with somebody keeps repeating itself in my head. "Crys you're within arms reach of your dream and they aren't even stretched out." Those are the words I can't forget.

I clear my mind when I run, and thats exactly what I did this morning, while I appreciate the negative comments along with the positive. What I think of myself is what matters. Whether or not I believe in myself will get me through these next 12 weeks. So starting today, I'm not asking you to believe in me, because I know I have what it takes. I have a goal to reach, and I can't stop until its in my hands...

"If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win." - Carl Lewis