bak to basics.

8 weeks from the show of my dreams, and I've decided to take a few steps back, not completely walk away, but just stop for a moment.

NPC National Championships 2010 is not my show. I wish I could say I had it together this whole time and that I've given 100% everyday. I would be lying if I said that and so I wont. Don't get me wrong, I tried, but trying and doing are two very different actions. Life caught up with me, work caught up with me, stress caught up with me. I can keep fighting through it and training 89% for this show, or step back, catch my breath and try again when I'm ready to give 100%. Right now my mind is begging me for a break. My body is begging me for a break. And I have broken one too many times to keep going.

I have this goal, this one ultimate goal. Its what I train for, what I eat for, everyday in my mind I know what I want. But its MY goal, and I will fight for it when I'M ready and not when others think I'm ready. I'm not doing this for anybody but me, so if I know I need to stop, well, regardless of what others think, I've decided to stop.

Where do I go from here? What exactly happens when for the past 7 months I've done nothing but trained, dieted, slept, ate, breathed nothing but competition? I'm not quite sure. I actually have no idea what to do from here.

I felt like a failure today for a brief second. I'm not really quitting, I'm prolonging the process so I can come in better, stronger, leaner and reach the goal I've been dreaming about for the past 2 yrs. I'll come back. And when I do I'll be ready both physically and mentally. As for right now, well, I guess I have to figure that out now dont I?

Back to the drawing board.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

moment of realization

Okay okay. I'm usually the ambitious, self motivated, I'll prove everybody wrong type of girl. I got a little lost this time around. Placed my focus on a million things at once, and will say training got the backburner. Going from show to show with only 16 weeks in between is no fun for anybody. Because well, it took me about 14 to train for the first one, plus 16 more to prep for my next one which technically ended up being 13 because I took some time off. Either way it adds up to A LONG LONG TIME of wearing down my body and testing my mind.
Im sitting at 9 weeks away from the biggest event of my life. Well maybe not of my life, but of my competition life, its huge. I freaked myself out and turned this competition into a monster I couldn't handle and lost all of my confidence, and threw the towel in before I even made it to the stage. Through my freaking out process I learned I'm quite the emotional eater. Who would've thought? Mental breakdown=Beeline for the Pantry. Its happened on more than one occasion now, and I'd like to say I'm ashamed, but I'm just realizing I'm normal. I have to learn self-control just like everyone does (or atleast I hope others do this). Its a struggle.
So today, realizing "Oh snap I have 9 weeks!" and seeing what I see in the mirror, and on the scale I've realized, I have to put away all the negative thoughts, the freak outs, the mental breakdowns. I have no time for that. I have no time to sleep in, no time to skip cardio, no time to emotionally eat. Clock's ticking and its not working in my favor at all.
This is the moment where I take my program into overdrive and push like no other. I also think its time I put a little pause on my blog. Sharing my uphill battle was such a good feeling, but sharing the downhill slope isn't quite as easy to partake in. I won't say my blogging days are over, but for now, my mind is on one thing and one thing only....

If u want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

I want to say its been raining in my world for two weeks the least. A lot of stresses have suddenly fallen on my shoulders and keeping it together has been anything but easy. Actually, I wouldn't say I've kept it together at all. There has been a lot of fake smiling going on these days. I will try not to complain though, obstacles don't stop me, at the end of the day the same thing is always on my mind. That prize. So, I'll maintain my composure and keep pushing forward.

While I've been putting up with this "rain" I have not been able to devote near as much attention to my training or my nutrition. Unacceptable. How can I be a winner if I don't give 100%? The truth is I can't. So, I've picked myself up from the ground, and I'm ready now to keep going. This isn't my first time falling, I've proven to myself once before that I won't be defeated mentally, and so now, I'll prove it again.

So where am I? Well, Im 10 weeks out from stepping on stage. Im give or take 20lbs away from the weight I need to be in order to compete at the size I was for my last show. So, that gives me 2lbs a week to get to that goal. Yes, I know what your thinking 20lbs gained in less than a month. Technically it's not 20, but somedays it is, I dunno my body is confused. Now about this body. There are muscles this time that need extra attention and attention they will get. I refuse to be part of the 'NR' list. (I believe that means non-ranked but I'm not sure). I'm starting over. Back at square one. I believe I've had enough mental breakdowns now that I should be good to go for the next 10 weeks.

My next debut will be a good one. Prepare yourself.

think like a winner.

"If you think you can or cant, you're right" -Henry Ford


In the process of deciding what I want, I took it upon myself to gather outside opinions. I know what I want at the end of it all. I train, I work, I sweat because ultimately I have this dream I'm reaching for. Day in and day out, this dream is what drives me. As humans we thrive on support from others, and I suppose I was just being human, taking this on.

Some people are behind me 100%, say I have what it takes, want to see me succeed. Those opinions came few.

Ofcourse not everybody will believe in me, some people will think I don't have what it takes, some people say I'm in over my head. I felt like I was drowning yesterday, unsure if right now is the right time to fight for this goal.

A conversation with somebody keeps repeating itself in my head. "Crys you're within arms reach of your dream and they aren't even stretched out." Those are the words I can't forget.

I clear my mind when I run, and thats exactly what I did this morning, while I appreciate the negative comments along with the positive. What I think of myself is what matters. Whether or not I believe in myself will get me through these next 12 weeks. So starting today, I'm not asking you to believe in me, because I know I have what it takes. I have a goal to reach, and I can't stop until its in my hands...

"If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win." - Carl Lewis

coming back to earth...

Well, I'll admit, I have been on cloud 32 for the past few days. Part of me still is way in the clouds right now. Its an indescribable feeling setting a goal for yourself and reaching it. I can rewind through each obstacle and struggle that came up for me in these 3 months and am incredibly proud of myself for not quitting.

So where am I now? Well, I wouldn't say back at square 1, but I might be close. I gave up a part of my life when I decided to compete. I gave up friends, I gave up on love, I gave up on anything outside of responsibilities for 12 straight weeks. And now that its over do I go back to having a life, having fun, exercising as a hobby and not with a set goal? I probably should, my mind definitely needs it, and I'm sure my body would thank me for a break as well.

After competing in this show I had a decision to make, go back to training, or start off season. Well, after the weekend and a week of rest I decided I'm not satisfied with just one show, and so I'm back to training again. Here we go, the week's begun and this is how its gone so far.

I created my program Saturday and Sunday, consulted with my trainer over my plans over the next 12weeks enjoyed my "last Supper" on Sunday (which hurt me quite a bit, a good 5lbs added to my post comp weight after that meal), and Monday woke up and went.

My first week of training is always rough, lots of pep talks, talking myself out of eating certain things, talking myself into eating certain things because I'll diet harder tomorrow, all kinds of talks. Workouts are especially rough. New routines, tired muscles, soreness that would usually lasts a day extending into 3 days later. Not easy at all. So I'm on day 3 today, I'm proud to say I said no to the birthday cupcakes we had in the office yesterday. Im sad to say, I had a few mini protein bars. I'm STARVING! Like I said, I'm pretty close to square 1.

So, since I still have a ways to go til my next competition and a lot less weight to lose this time, I get my "emergency snacks" back and will be heading to the grocery store soon to stock up on almonds, apples, cantelope, and jicama. Yep, those are my emergency snacks. I'll resort to chomping on ice again.

This time I won't be competing against newbies with a show or two under their belt, I'll be going against the big dogs. The nations best. Am I worried? Terrified. I feel like Im too far in this to settle, this is what I train for. It's become a part of me and I almost feel like I have no choice but to go forward. If I fall on my face, I'll get back up. I'll train harder. I'll keep trying. I don't quit.

So the journey continues. 12 weeks and 3 days til go time. Welcome to my life :)

The biggest regrets are for opportunities missed, for the things u could have done but didn't. Choose 2 deal in action rather than in regret. -Ralph Marston

PIT STOP.

Well. I made it. I did exactly what I said I would do. For a little over twelve weeks I worked, sweat, cried, pushed forward toward this goal. And I finally made it. This weekend is all a blur. Between the makeup, fake tan and rice cakes with honey, I couldn't tell Friday from today. Everything happened so fast. The week that lead up to the show I will call hell week. My mind officially shut down Thursday afternoon at 4pm as I was taking my final exam. Half of it must've still been working because I aced it. What was left to do? Another hour of cardio, then rest rest rest and pack for Friday.

Saturday morning, no sleep really, tons of nerves, hair make up done, suitcase packed ready to go. I spent alot of that morning taking deep breaths, trying to not let what was going on around me consume me. Over and over I kept thinking, you've worked so hard, do not break now. It's a hard spot to be in. I've let go of and lost a lot during this process. I lost some friends, literally had no social life, and the most excitement I had was Wednesday steak and yogurt night for the past 3 months. Although I would still be proud of how far I've come, to walk away from this empty handed would be a very hard pill to swallow. So I sat at the venue the next few hours trying ridiculously hard to stop my hands from shaking, and just calm my mind.

Finally backstage and the nerves left me. All that was left was adrenaline and so much pride. I was here. I did what I said I would do, and felt 100% ready to walk on that stage.

So, where did I end up? I wanted top 5, that was my goal. They call 5th (not me), 4th (still not me), 3rd (nope not me), 2nd Place, Contestant #83 Crystal Flores! I made it. Did I get first place? Nope, I sure didn't but I am not one bit disappointed in my placing. I went up and got everything I wanted. I reached my goal and 2nd feels so good.

So what is next for me? Well, as I said, this journey is one that doesn't end. I'll be taking a few days to rest and consider my options. I did it...

its finally here.

Wow. Hit by a whirl whind of emotions right now. My alarm still has about 2 hours to go off, but Im excited/nervous/anxious/thirsty/hungry and cant keep my eyes shut any longer. I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gotten through this journey. No part of this was easy, the endless hours of cardio, the times when I got left out of social events, watching others enjoy great large meals while I ate from a lunchbox. All for this moment I am experiencing right now. In a few hours I will be applying tan, doing my hair and makeup and heading to the venue. How do I feel?

I feel like first place.

For now, I will try and shut my eyes a little longer and visualize how I want this day to progress.